i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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