where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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