My Higher Power is John Stamos
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
