even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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