I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
