I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
