mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
