if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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