I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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