He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we're making bets on your personal life
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize