is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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