I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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