i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
