Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize