So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
