The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
