I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
