Do you still have your period?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
