dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
pray to the hookup gods
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
