he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
