Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
