I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize