so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
