90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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