ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
