I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
