4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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