Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize