y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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