there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
