The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize