how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
