You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
