they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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