dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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