i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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