Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We have so much sex to catch up on
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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