Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
