ya dads aren't the best wingmen
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You are a genius and a whore.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
