Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
