her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
