i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
