im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize