He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
