I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize