if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
