Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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