Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
