waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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