You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
