He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
