I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
