Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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