Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize