who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
