I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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