his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
