P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
