Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
