Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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