I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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