My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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