she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Vodka?
Forever.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
