Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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