dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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