spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
