Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
