Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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