Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
