If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
